Wednesday, January 20, 2010

the universe is shaped exactly like the earth

Alright.
I don't consider this a blog anymore, more of a place where I collect my thoughts, I don't think that makes any difference, but it makes me feel like it's okay to post more than once a day.

What a run-on.

I've been thinking about a lot of things today, a list:

1. How adorable children are when they begin to walk, how they waddle.

It's like they'll trip at any second, yet they have this amazing sense of balance and they almost never fall [in a painful manner].

Today, my math class was cancelled and I played with two of one of the math teacher's kids. Well, one was her's, the other, her brother's.

Regardless, I was commissioned to draw several fruits and vegetables. Balloons. Kitchenware. You know, the usual.

It was nice. The boy, Logan, almost killed my laptop though. And people were confused as to why I was running around the halls with this little kid. It was out of the ordinary.

2. My time at the CDU

When I was hospitalized this summer due to a stupid stint [OD'd on aspirin, I was workin' on leavin' the livin'...], I met this weird, weird girl. I forget her name, but I was just thinking about
her on the bus ride home. She believed that there were ghosts talking to her, she couldn't have been more than 15. It was sad, she would be back and forth in these types of programs because the ghosts wouldn't leave her be. I was at the CDU for no more than a week, but she'd have to come back periodically. But what reminded me of her was this Evanescence song that came on during the ride home. Now, I hate that band, but this song, she'd always sing it. There was one CD player in the art room and she'd get her CD and play that song on repeat and sing-a-long. It was sweet.

While there, I was like an older sister to many of the girls. I drew stuff for them, taught them cool arts and crafts stuff. They always made me "do graffiti" for them, and by the end of my stay, many of them started to like the Beatles, when, at first they'd boo when I put it on the classic rock station and demand that I switch it to Jam'n 94.5. I miss them, really, they were all so much younger than me, so much potential. I hope they do fine.

3. The meeting I had this morning with my parents and counselors.

Today, we discussed what I would be doing second semester in a meeting that was around an hour long. It was so stressful. I cried. Several times actually. Mostly because of the fact that my father, although he doesn't talked to me, thought that he knew what goes on in my head. He deemed me unchangeable, irresponsible, and inevitably a failure. Apparently, I have no sense of control. Now, how does one judge another if they rarely come into contact. I don't know. My mother doesn't either.

I realized today, how important the women in my life are to me. My counselors, my Mum, Madame, Ms. Notaro. They are the women I can count on, the women who will give me good advice without fail. They are always there. I can't think of any guys I've had like that since _____. Now I really hope he's not reading this. But I miss him and I'm sorry things didn't work out, I feel like they still can. I'm pretty sure it was my fault, I fucked things up, I was loose. I don't think I was ever as happy with a guy as I was with him. He was sweet. So, so sweet. I remember the conversations we used to have, of moving to Tahiti, building schools, smoking weed all day, making something out of nothing. We had it down. We did.

Anyways, I have a tendency to ruin things. I do it always. Hopefully, my dad isn't right. I'm sure he isn't actually. I just have to get my life together.

2 comments:

  1. zaynah, firstly i love you, and your honesty. secondly, i am always here if you want someone to talk to. and for that "tendency to ruin things" i feel that way sometimes too, but you can't think that way. as hard, and as frustrating as it can be, you have to try and be optimistic. i don't think you are unchangeable and you shouldn't think that. I've always believed that if you want something bad enough, you can have it. and if you think that your life needs a change then i'm positive that you can. however, if you're happy with your life then you shouldn't have to change for anyone.
    you're one of the most genuine people i've ever had the pleasure of meeting and it makes me very angry that you're feeling this way!
    you're an amazing person and you shouldn't think anything less of yourself.

    i'm sorry that was long but i just felt the need to tell you what i thought.
    <3

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  2. ya need to put your foot down girl. you're dad's afraid of confrontation and he thinks that by playing the tough act he's going to avoid it. don't give him that pleasure. personal expereience of just backing down all the time, it's annoying and unnecessary and doesn't help me get any farther. and this is more that just "i wanna go out on friday night," this is your future and he thinks you've already screwed it up but little does he know, it's forming right now and all the ignoring is making it go in a bad direction. tell him you're ready to be responsible if he's ready to be a responsible-enough parent to hear you out and help you. cold shoulders solve nothing.
    -skip

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